At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
