im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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