He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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