Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
