I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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