I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Randomize