i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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