I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
