you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
