i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
