Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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