I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
