I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
