im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
