My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
