I cannot find my penis.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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