so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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