If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
