just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
