Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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