When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
