fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I wish there were birth control emojis
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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