i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
