I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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