I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
