my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
