i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
