i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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