Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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