I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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