I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
