My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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