she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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