I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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