well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
