I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
