dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
