so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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