I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
