the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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