Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
