Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
