Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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