think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
