I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
