She tied me up with her honor cords...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
