Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
