things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
