dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
