I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
