Im at strip club and am horny
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
