I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
