Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
