How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
