4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
