In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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